The sorrow in my nine year old daughter’s voice was unmistakable. “My days are disappearing so quickly. Sometimes I’m doing something I really enjoy and then the day ends and I have to stop.” She sighed softly. “Or else I have to pack up and rush off to do something else.”

“Oh darling,” I thought. “If only you knew.”

Her little life looked so simple and uncomplicated from my perspective. I smiled at her innocence. Then I had to ask myself, “How am I going with that?”

My life is less hectic than it used to be. Our oldest son has moved out of home, our second is in his final year of schooling, one daughter is mid-teens and the other is partway through primary school. I love this season of parenting, when some of our children are just discovering their unique talents and others are making major career decisions. It’s a time when we as parents can step back a little and watch their lives unfold. A time when we are freed up to pursue other interests as well as family life. Still, I’m finding time slips through my fingers faster than I’d wish.

Sometimes this is beyond my control. The computer is slow. Children need rides. Traffic is heavy. The guinea pigs have a medical emergency.

Sometimes I make choices which throw valuable time away.

There are two little words which lurk in the shadows of my vocab and jump out when my guard is down – ‘I’ll just.’

‘I’ll just’ have a quick look at facebook.

‘I’ll just’ send this message.

‘I’ll just’ check what’s on tv.

‘I’ll just’ take a peek at how the next chapter begins.

The ‘I’ll just’ thought is usually an impulse thought, not something I’d planned to do. The idea behind it is often a good one and following it seems to make sense. Until it leads me down a path of regret.

My time with God gets squashed into the few remaining minutes before breakfast.

My child falls asleep before I kiss them goodnight.

I stay up way too late and struggle with tiredness (and grumpiness) all the following day.

My mind is so full of all I’ve read and seen, I have trouble focusing when people speak to me.

Those impulsive choices steal moments I’ll never recapture. I apologise and forgive myself. But that doesn’t rewind time and give me the chance to relive those moments differently. If I follow the ‘I’ll just’ impulse too often, relationships can suffer to the point where the damage can be difficult to repair.

I have to ask myself, “Is it really worth it? Can it wait?”

More than a decade ago, I heard a wise father speak to a group of eager listeners. “Good parenting doesn’t happen by chance,” he said. “You have to be intentional.” Now I’m applying the same principle to all of life.

I need to live intentionally.

This means identifying my priorities and ensuring they take first place in the way I live, every day. Sometimes that means ignoring the ‘I’ll just’ thoughts which come. Other times it means putting them off until a more suitable time.

Two more little words are working their way into my mental vocab now.

‘I will’. Words of intention and purpose.

I trust, with practice, they’ll overpower the ‘I justs’ and become the rudder that keeps me on course.

“Good morning.” The woman smiled as I approached.

“Hi.” My grin spread wide across my face. I padded past her across polished grey concrete. A gentle, cooling breeze wafted down from enormous ceiling fans. My chest rose and fell as I breathed deeply, grateful to be here again. This was the place of dreams. A world where possibilities were endless.

The hardware store.

Whenever I walk through the entrance of this hallowed warehouse my stomach flutters in excitement.

It’s crazy, really.

I don’t have the skills to do half the things I dream of when I walk along the shining aisles. Still, my response is always the same.

Why?

I’m wired for transformation.

Makeovers lure me like nothing else. From gardening books to home renovation shows, I’m drawn in, filled with wonder at the way a few, seemingly simple changes can make something completely new.

Whether we’re seeking to lose weight, change our hairstyle, revamp our wardrobe or switch careers, aren’t we all trying to improve our lives?

This is the time of year where all our desires and good intentions get stirred up. We finish one year reflecting on all that’s been. And maybe all that hasn’t. Giving thanks and perhaps feeling regret. Sad to let go of the special season we’ve been in. Or perhaps relieved to turn the page on hard times and start fresh.

Perfectionism flows steadily in my veins. I’ve launched into many Januarys with a list of silent vows – to complete a major project, to be a more patient mum, a more loving wife, to have more balance in my time use. The year lies stretched before me, full of potential. Sometimes I achieve my goals, at least in part. Often the day-to-day realities of life gently nudge my high ideals off their pedestal.

The year rarely turns out the way I imagine.

Not worse, necessarily.

Just different.

I’m thankful to have a husband who’s so diligent in seeking God. He’s big on taking time out, especially in January, to wait on our Maker. To see – over and above our big ideas – what God’s plans are for the year. This man’s loving example has thrown perfectionist-me a lifeline.

That retreat time – a few hours during our summer holidays – has become the foundation for my year, the bedrock on which the following months are built. In God’s loving presence I’ve been able to reflect on the previous twelve months and gain some perspective. Often He’s given me a whiff of what the year ahead will hold or counselled me about specific areas. The words I record in my journal that day get pulled out many times through the year. They’re my anchor when times get tough, a source of perspective and hope.

Sometimes God says, “Get ready”. Sometimes He says, “Step out.” Sometimes He says, “Let go.”

Always He says, “Rest”; always He says, “Trust” – words that wrap lovingly around my heart and bring a sigh of relief.

Here’s what I’m learning: I can make changes to my outer life – my appearance, my wardrobe, my time use.

But inner transformation – the kind that matters most – begins in the heart. A place that only God can reach.

I can struggle and strive to improve my character – to be more patient, more loving, more courageous. But, much like trying to fulfil my renovation dreams with my own limited understanding, I’m powerless to put my dreams of heart change into action.

God sees all my weaknesses. And He knows the best way and timing for change to happen. He is THE transformer.

“And we…are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” (2 Corinthians 3:18)

As I learn to wait on Him, to feed on His Word and walk in step with His plans, He goes quietly about His work, chopping off a bit here, adding a bit there. Sometimes without me even realising. He’s changing me, starting with my heart. Perfectionist striving is being replaced by waiting and resting.

And that, I must say, is even more exciting than walking into a hardware store.

I sat by the window, musing. Money was tight. The birthdays of my two closest friends were fast-approaching. These beautiful women had walked with me through almost twenty years, with all their hills and valleys. I wanted their birthday gifts to reflect my appreciation. A sigh slipped through my lips. What can I give them, Lord?

Immediately I heard a voice in my head:

Use what you have.

Use what I have? I’d heard that before. What did it mean for me? What did I have, anyway?

Instantly my eyes were opened. Our home was bulging with items that could be used to make gifts. Fabric. Food. Plants. Paint. Everywhere I looked, there were possibilities. We weren’t limited by finance, as I’d thought. We were rich!

Inspired, I poured myself into creating presents for my friends – special, tailor-made gifts that I knew they’d use. This was the beginning of a lifestyle which has continued over many years.

Then, just a few weeks ago, I was mulling over some verses at the end of Acts chapter 4. You know the ones – about all the believers living like a community, with everything in common?

“No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own,” it says in verse 32, “but they shared everything they had.” Later it reads, “There were no needy persons among them.”

No needy persons.

Sharing everything.

Can you imagine us living like that today?

Those few sentences had me squirming. Was I willing to share everything? Probably not. I liked my stuff. The thought of parting with it was frightening. But I knew something needed to change.

Lord, grow me in using the money you give us. How does this principle work in our culture? A scary prayer, spoken in the knowledge I may not like the answer.

The response I felt Him speak surprised me:

‘Use what you have’ can have two levels of meaning. There was that phrase again!

On one hand it means, ‘be resourceful and enjoy the full benefits of what I’ve provided for you.’

On another level it means, ‘use everything I’ve blessed you with to be a blessing to others.’ Don’t hold back. Even as you embrace and enjoy My gifts, be open to sharing them with others. As you do, you’ll discover even more pleasure in My bounty, far more than if you keep it all to yourself.

Everything we have has been given by God with both us and others in mind. He wants us to use the resources He’s given both for our own needs and to enrich the lives of the people around us. When we clutch and grab, not only are we withholding blessing from others, we are also robbing ourselves of the pleasure of sharing.

Who knows how much enjoyment we’ve missed by keeping our goodies all to ourselves?

Imagine giving one of your children a gift, chosen with love and beautifully wrapped, only to find five years later that they’d never, ever used it. Instead it sat in a dark corner, slowly deteriorating and becoming covered in cobwebs. What a waste.

I had to ask myself, “What am I not using the way it was intended?”

My life is changing. I’m inviting more people into our home. Each day I see new opportunities to give from what I have, whether it’s time, money, words, prayers or encouragement. God has showered my life with His goodness. I want to bring Him pleasure by using everything He’s given me the way He intended. In the process, my days are becoming fuller, richer and more thankful.

How about you? Are you using what you’ve been given? 

The day had finally come. I gripped the large yellow envelope while my heart thumped. Here it was – the long-awaited feedback on my manuscript. Five years had been sown into this work. Five years reliving a season of my past, with all its strained emotions and extreme choices. A season which culminated in deep healing and a new beginning. I’d poured myself out on each page, slowly but willingly, spurred on by the desire to help others.

God inspired this book. He spoke to me in a dream. I saw myself writing a story describing my past battle with anorexia. I’d been asking God to show me His purpose for my life. I knew this was His answer.

The writing process had taken longer than expected. Years longer. The demands of life pressed in on me, squeezing my good intentions into short bursts of hurried typing or sleepy, late-night ramblings.

At last, I thought, I was nearing the end of the journey.

I was wrong.

The highly-recommended editor sent several pages of feedback. Six pages, to be precise. Typed. In small print.  All very constructive and practical. But hard. In short, he told me to rewrite most, if not all, of the story.

My heart sank to my shoes.

What was the point of all those years of work? How many more years would it take to finish? A sense of urgency burned within me – this story needed to be told. God had said so. Yet it seemed I’d hit a huge road block. And He’d allowed it.

Twelve months have passed since those pages first arrived. I see more clearly now. Mr Editor was right. Alterations were needed. I’ve begun a whole new copy. Many more months will pass before I can again hold a completed manuscript.

The learning curve I’m climbing is steep. I’m thankful for the growth I’m experiencing in the process. But in my depths I groan, How long, Lord? When will the dream reach its fulfilment?

Will this process never end?

Sometimes I see others riding the wave of success, dreaming big and seeing fulfilment come quickly. Jealousy bites but I cast it aside and choose to celebrate with them. Still the hope inside me threatens to shrivel as I wonder why my dream seems ever-more wispy and elusive.

That’s when I turn to my Bible. It’s laden with stories of people who’ve also had to wait. Abraham, Sarah, Joseph, Moses, David – all were promised wonderful things. Yet the paths they walked to reach the fulfilment were long and costly, painful and confusing.

David cried out, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?”(Psalm 13:1)

Despite how it felt, God had not forgotten these ones. The years He allowed between promise and fulfilment helped prepare them for their future roles. Abraham grew in obedience, Joseph in humility, David in trust. Waiting works deep change in my soul as well. Like a river rushing over rocks, the steady passing of time sifts my motives and erodes my rough edges.

There’s nothing like waiting to show you what’s really in your heart.

Then I come to Jesus.

Even He went through a waiting process. Him, in all His perfection. Though He knew God’s plan from an early age, He walked slowly through the first thirty years of life. He submitted to His earthly parents, visited the synagogue, learned a trade, all the time knowing there was so much more ahead. Others tried to push Him along more than once. He chose to hold firm to His Father’s plan.

For Jesus, the wait wasn’t an issue of character.

It just wasn’t time yet.

When the Father gave the nod, He was launched into the fullness of His destiny and changed the world forever.

God’s perspective of our lives is so much clearer than ours. He sees the grand masterpiece that He’s creating across the globe, with each one of us a part of it. Like a skilled craftsman working with fine strands of thread, He tenderly holds each of us and weaves us into His beautiful design. He watches over His work carefully and knows just when each new detail should be introduced.

We, with our tunnel vision, can get impatient and want to hurry things along. But interfering only creates messy tangles. Just ask Abraham.*

When the time is right, God will unveil His handiwork, infused with strands of precious gold – His glory. The finished product will be breathtaking. Magnificent. Far more beautiful than anything we could try to create for ourselves.

And absolutely worth the wait.

Psalm 31:14-15

“But I trust in you, O Lord;

I say, ‘You are my God.’

My times are in your hands.”

(Helpful scriptures:

Luke 2:42, 49; John 7:6; *Genesis 12:1-3, 15:1-6, 16:1-16, 17:15-22,18:9-14;

Psalm 27: 14; Habakkuk 2:3; Galatians 4:4; 2 Peter 3:9)